Overcoming Conflict in Your Family
You’re sitting with your family at the dinner table. Dishes are clinking, everyone’s been served and is starting to eat. You’ve made a fine meal, and are enjoying the moment. Conversation hums along, until you notice it. That feeling of tension growing. Perhaps you’ve noticed your teen is starting to push back, hard, on a point a parent made. Or an adult at the table is taking issue with the silence of a teen. Or you’ve found your conversation with your spouse is rapidly changing from a conversation into an argument.
The tension grows; the disagreement has become a full blown argument. Some of the family have stopped eating, too engrossed in the conflict. Some may start to eat faster, so they can get away from the table and the all too familiar family argument, as quickly as possible.
What felt like an easy, everyday meal has turned into a tense, unpleasant, and misery-making family argument, again. Why does this keep happening, you wonder?
Conflict in the Family
All too often, especially with teenagers in the house, you may find that family conversations turn into conflict. Sometimes the same kind of conflict, over and over, in fact. This can easily lead to post-argument anxiety, where you find yourself on edge, dreading an argument that will end up in an emotional attack of some sort.
That post-argument anxiety alone can lead to more conflict! If family members find themselves on edge regularly, differences of opinion can blow up into arguments. Perceived slights can be magnified and lead to intense outbursts. Family members can become withdrawn and quiet out of fear of conflict, and their silence can make communication impossible.
This is particularly common in teens; parents not knowing what their teen is thinking or feeling, because the teen does not feel comfortable communicating honestly. This can be a source of stress for parents, adding to tension in the household.
Ways of Resolving Conflict in the Family
Communication patterns, and communication needs, can be very different for different people. Not understanding your own communication style and needs, and not respecting those of your family members, can lead to perpetual anxiety-inducing conflict.
A great starting place for resolving conflict with your family is to answer questions about how each person communicates best, and how to respect each others’ communication needs. This is something that can often be further developed in family therapy, as a way to structure the conversations in your household to keep arguments from erupting. Disagreements can happen! But there are ways of resolving conflict in the family that do not cause damage, or lead to post-argument anxiety and tension.
Here are some ideas for resolving conflict in your family, that may help each member better work with the family as a whole:
Consider when the conversation is happening
Did everyone agree that they’re ready for this topic? Or was the conversation something one person wants, where others may not want to discuss at the moment?
Giving someone the opportunity to say “I’m not ready to talk about that now.” This can go a long way toward preventing arguments. While parents may be hesitant to “let the teen get away with it,” the truth is that heightened emotions will not help resolve the issue.
If you have something that needs to be addressed, but you’re not ready to talk about it, offer a time you WILL be ready to talk.
Giving someone who needs to talk a time where they will be heard can go a long way toward preventing hard feelings. It’s also good practice to circle back and review family arguments when you’re not swayed by the heat of the emotion. This is some of the important work done in family therapy with teens.
Communicate respectfully
Try hard to not interrupt, try hard to not blame your family for the feelings you have, try hard to not dismiss what your family members tell you about what they’re thinking or feeling.
An open communication style that accepts everyone’s point of view goes a long way toward letting family members, especially teens, open up and be honest. Stay curious about what your family members are thinking, and try to put judgements aside.
Try not to make assumptions
Your family may not know, or understand, what is happening, and it may well not be their fault. Try not to lay blame on family members; speak about how you’re being impacted, how you feel, what you need, instead.
Work Your Conflict Prevention Skills with a family therapist.
The skills of conflict prevention and conflict resolution are skills that need to be practiced. They are skills that need to be laid out specifically, and often are best practiced in an environment where everyone feels safe to voice their needs and opinions.
Family therapy can offer that space. Family therapy can be a space where each member feels heard by the others, and where respectful communication skills can be practiced as a family works toward therapy goals together.
Haven Family Therapy in Coral Springs offers sessions in English and Portuguese. We want to provide the most supportive environment we can for helping your family talk to each other and resolve ongoing conflicts so post-argument anxiety can be a thing of the past for you.
Contact me today to discuss your goals for family therapy.
