Navigating Divorce with Children: Healthy Healing & Co-Parenting Strategies
In the tempestuous sea of divorce, our hearts are cast adrift, battered by emotions we never thought we'd feel. Yet, amid the wreckage, we can find support in family therapy, guiding you through the tumultuous waters of co-parenting.
Don’t know how to navigate divorce? Start here.
Divorce is a challenging and emotionally taxing experience, and it’s important (and often empowering) to make space for its complexity. But when you have kids together, finding the time for your own healing needs can feel hard. While keeping their well-being in mind, healing from divorce also means trying to prioritize the health of the parenting relationship (as long as both parents are safe and willing to remain involved).
As a co-parenting therapist who specializes in delivering family counseling to families of all shapes, I’ve put together some of the tips I use most in session.
Here are some places you can begin when healing from divorce:
Allow yourself time to grieve.
It's important to allow yourself to feel the myriad of emotions that divorce brings up, particularly the spectrum of loss. There are many different parts of grief, such as sadness, anger, and loneliness, and when it comes to the end of a marriage, they can be excruciating.
Bottling up your emotions will only make healing harder, so make space for the grief where possible. It isn’t a sign of weakness or wrongness, nor should you feel guilt for grieving this huge re-write to your life story.
Seek support from people you trust with your vulnerabilities.
Though every divorce and co-parenting relationship is unique, knowing you aren’t alone—however complicated the circumstances—can be a helpful part of finding your way through this.
Talking to someone who understands what you're going through can help you process your emotions, bounce around new ideas to navigate this journey, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Whether it’s an established friend or family member or you seek out a support group to find others who share your circumstances, having a support network is a good idea.
Be willing to compromise.
It's natural for disagreements to arise, but the key is to find the middle ground. By embracing compromise, you can collaboratively reach decisions that prioritize the well-being of both parents and, most importantly, your children.
This flexibility fosters a healthier co-parenting dynamic, promoting a stable and nurturing environment during a challenging time of transition.
Focus on the positive aspects of your life.
It's easy to get caught up in the negative aspects of divorce, but it's important to focus on the positive things in your changing life. In times of pain, there is always space for hope too and divorce is no exception.
Part of this will inevitably come alongside the grief you feel, but there’s so much more to come for you; imagine what might be possible once your ex-spouse settles into their new role in your life and you begin to build a new family structure for your children. There will be space for new hobbies, adventures and even new ways of living.
Set boundaries with your ex.
This can be a contentious and confusing part of building a co-parenting relationship during the early stages of divorce. For many marriages, your spouse is your friend and your partner. If you got along well and your divorce is amicable, setting boundaries that reduce the amount of communication and sharing you do can feel unnatural, or even dishonest. It isn’t! It’s a healthy and important part of creating a sustainable new dynamic as co-parents instead.
For endings which are more contentious, you may feel relief at having the permission to re-draw the boundaries in communication, contact and sharing in a place that feels safer for you. These boundaries are important, both for your own sake and for the sake of your children. This means not talking to them about your personal life or feelings about the divorce.
Be respectful of each other, even if you don't agree.
You do not have to get along, but it’s important that you treat your ex-spouse with the same respect you’d treat a stranger or a colleague when you are communicating. Even in high-conflict divorce, this means avoiding name-calling, insults, and threats.
The most important thing to remember is that your ex-spouse is not your child’s ex-parent. Do not speak badly about them in front of your children, and don’t blame them for the difficult or messy parts of these changes you’re all going through- even if it feels like it’s their fault. Negative talk about the other parent will only harm your children.
Stay mindful of your children's needs.
In all the ways your life is changing from divorce, your children are experiencing changes, too. They’re likely to feel confused, frustrated, angry and even to grieve the life they thought they could anticipate. It can be difficult to support those emotions without feeling defensive, but it’s important to put their emotional needs at the center of your communication in a developmentally appropriate way.
Do your best to be patient, understanding and supportive of their coping process. They may shift and change what they need or how they communicate, and it may require some changes to how you view and experience your parenting role—that’s normal and completely okay. You’re going through this together, so try not to shut them out while still being mindful of their limits.
Don't give up.
Co-parenting after divorce can be challenging, but you can and will manage it successfully. With unwavering dedication and a commitment to your children's well-being, you’ll find a path forward to overcome obstacles and create a stable, loving environment.
Parenthood, especially after divorce, is a journey filled with ups and downs, but your perseverance will ultimately lead to a healthier, happier future for your family. Your children deserve the best of you, so stay resilient and be honest with yourself about your needs. Then, you’ll be able to provide them with the stability and support they need during this transformative period in their lives.
Step parents can also feel confused as to their importance in the continuation of care to their step-child. Just because they are not required to co-parent, doesnt mean that kids will not want that stepparent to continue having a relationship with them. The loss of a stepparent can be just as difficult for a child, especially if they have been with that parent for most of their childhood.
Seek professional help if needed.
If you're struggling to co-parent effectively, it may be helpful to seek out a co-parenting therapist who has specialized skills to help you manage conflict, navigate difficult emotions and facilitate family counseling to help you co-parent effectively.
Consider using this list as a check-in on your progress: what’s going well, and what could be improved? Where do you need help to get to a healthy or productive place in your process? Make notes as you go and if you find some deficits you’re worried about, reach out to me today.
What if I’m co-parenting with a narcissist?
Unfortunately, not every relationship ends amicably and some of them can evolve into unsafe or toxic tension. Particularly, co-parenting with a narcissist can be incredibly challenging. There’s no magic formula for managing this dynamic, but there are a few things you can do to make it a bit less uncomfortable.
Set firm boundaries, communicate through written means whenever possible, and prioritize your child's well-being. Document all interactions and seek legal advice if necessary. Engage a mediator or counselor to facilitate communication and protect your child from emotional harm. Your child's stability and safety are paramount, and professional guidance can be invaluable in navigating this difficult situation.
Co-parenting tips to help you navigate life with children of various ages
For all age groups, the key to successfully altering the pattern of your lives will lie in communication, age-appropriate honesty, and a healthy dose of consistency in providing safety and support that feels authentic to your children.
Early Childhood (0-5)
Ensuring minimal change is going to be your primary focus with little ones. Maintain routines, and ensure both parents are involved in caregiving and bonding moments. Keep communication open and age-appropriate, reassuring your child that both parents love them. Consider short, frequent visits to minimize separation anxiety.
Middle Childhood (5-10)
Children in this age range benefit from predictability. Keep a stable schedule for visitations and shared activities. Encourage them to express their feelings and concerns. As they become more independent, involve them in decision-making when appropriate and promote positive relationships between them and the other parent.
Tweens and Teens (10-16)
Tweens and teens value autonomy. Respect their opinions and interests, and involve them in creating their schedules. Encourage open dialogue while providing guidance and boundaries. Stay engaged in their lives, attending events and supporting their hobbies, while respecting their need for privacy.
Though your parenting role evolves in this age range, your kids will still need you to be open with them. Maintain a supportive presence, offering guidance when requested. Respect their autonomy, including their choices about visitation. Keep lines of communication open, and be a source of emotional support as they transition into adulthood alongside the changing family dynamics.
Work with an experienced co-parenting therapist at Haven Family Therapy
At every age, communication and consistency will be the keys to a successful co-parenting relationship that supports your healthy healing and the future of your childrens’ relationship with both parents. Make a plan that covers what each person needs, their schedules and their priorities; then, stick to it as best you can.
Regularly review and adjust the plan as needed, keeping the best interests of your children in mind. Maintain respectful communication, focusing on the children's needs rather than personal grievances. With dedication and teamwork, you can craft a reliable co-parenting routine that benefits your children's emotional and developmental well-being. If you are looking for more support in your own well-being or for family counseling that specializes in divorced families, Haven Family Therapy is here for you.
Get in touch today to start brightening your outlook and strengthening the harmony of your co-parenting life!
