Parent to Child, Heart to Heart: How to Help a Teen with Depression
The teenage years, as we’ve all experienced, can be some of the most challenging of our lives. We aren’t quite children, and not yet adults. Teens are navigating new emotions, a flood of hormones, their self-identity, and who they are in relationships. Amidst these changes is the crucial learning of how to cope with it all, for them and for you!
Since one in five teen girls and 13% of teens overall will suffer from some form of depression at some point in their teenage years, it is imperative that you, as a parent, have those difficult conversations with your teen and learn how to best help them.
Know the Signs
Depending on the resources available, some teens’ depressive symptoms fall under the radar and get grouped into stereotypes or perceptions of rebellion, angst, or moodiness. While depression can present itself differently across people, here are the common signs that might indicate your teen is struggling.
Academic problems. Depression can usually be seen across environments. Teachers and school administration can be good points of contact to get a sense of your teen’s school behaviors. Common issues include poor attendance, drops in grades, or changes in attitudes/abilities toward school. If your teen didn’t finish the year out strong, you may want to consider working with a therapist to get to know the concerns that might be lingering under the surface.
Drug and alcohol use. Similar to adults, teens understand that access to drugs or alcohol is often easier than talking with a medical doctor or psychiatrist. They may attempt to cope with feelings of depression through the use of alcohol, cannabis, or other drugs. Dependence on substances can create greater issues such as hopelessness, numbing, or decreased sense of self-efficacy in tolerating and overcoming uncomfortable feelings.
Generally dysphoric or irritable mood. This may look like your teen being “down”, angry, or irritable, with a neutral, apathetic, or angry mood as a daily occurrence. Caution must be had that this mood does not turn into risky or harmful behaviors, such as self-injury or eating disorders.
Running away and/or other forms of isolation. Running away, hiding away in their room, or checking out into their phone, may also indicate depressive symptoms. These actions can be seen usually as based on a lack of control over their lives or a fear of trusting their family.
Risky behaviors. Teens dealing with depression may engage in “risky” behaviors such as speaking to strangers on the phone, sharing naked pictures, or allowing access to their address. They can also engage in unsafe sex, smoking, drinking, or driving recklessly.
Interpersonal or intrapersonal violence. Anger is one of the more genuine expressions on the human spectrum of emotion, and violence against self (e.g., self-injurious behavior), heightened conflict, or aggressive behaviors, can be an indicator of emotional distress.
Talking about depression. Some teens may talk about their experiences of depression, perhaps without really having the words to name it. If you hear your teen talking about worthlessness, hopelessness, lack of excitement, lack of purpose, or general sadness, this could be a more direct sign that your teen needs help.
Listen, Don’t Fix
While it may be in your parent playbook to nurture and fix all of your children’s problems, an intervention may later become an important part of your role in supporting your teen. Active listening is really the key to opening the door. In order to find the best solution, parents must understand their teens the best they can by allowing space for trust and communication.
Active listening looks like…
Initiate eye contact during conversation that shows you are engaged and thoughtful
Notice non-verbal cues for discomfort (e.g., looking away, closed-off body language, fidgeting) and validate what you see
Suspend judgment by not minimizing feelings. Avoid generalities such as “It could be worse”, “look on the bright side”, or sharing your perception of their pain
Practice patience if your teen is unwilling or unable to talk by reminding them that you are there to listen as they process
Ask questions to clarify your understanding and summarize what you hear them saying to ensure you get it right
Thank them for sharing with you and offer yourself (or a mental health professional) as a resource to help them further process their feelings.
Express your concern and offer them unconditional support.
Provide Resources
Resources are not just therapy referrals, crisis lines, and medication. Resources are the ways in which we find energy and draw happiness from the sources around us. As a parent, you can provide resources such as planning a Saturday out, listening to a podcast together, or engaging the teen in an activity that they like to do that you also enjoy or would like to learn more about. Get your teen involved in an activity that lets them do something they enjoy, move their body, and connect with others.
Among these supports, ultimately, is getting your teen professional help if their state is beyond what feels manageable by themselves or with loved ones. Exploring options in therapy and medication is a path you can co-create with your teen. Your support through their treatment will bring you closer to your teen. Remember to also care for yourself – monitor your own physical and emotional health, make emotional expression for yourself a priority, and avoid taking responsibility for your teen’s current experience. The bright side is that they will grow and mature through conquering their challenges.
If your teen is struggling, get connected with me today to talk about the best next steps for your family. Whether they’re willing to come in for a session with me or not, we can also use the time to discuss more personalized ways that you can support your teen through their current reality.
