What to Do When Your Family Won't Go to Therapy
“I don’t need therapy! Nobody does!”
“Why would I pay someone to tell me I’m wrong? I’m not wrong, and I’m not going to a therapist.”
“If you’d just see my side, we wouldn’t have any problems. Maybe you’re the one who needs therapy!”
“We don’t do therapy in this family. That’s for other people who can’t handle life.”
Are you part of a family that feels like you’re talking (or yelling) past each other instead of talking to each other? Or are you part of a family where silence is the standard, so tackling the tough issues becomes impossible? Do you feel like your family is terrible at managing family conflict? Are you worried that your family’s patterns and habits are unchangeable, but you’d still like to try to convince your family to attend therapy?
If you’re invested in trying family therapy but are having a hard time convincing your family to attend and aren’t sure what to do to try to move forward, consider the steps listed below. At the very least, you can work to understand your family’s resistance and find therapeutic support yourself. With some extra effort and education, your family may join you in the healing work of therapy so you can all have a healthier, more meaningful, and respectful relationship with each other.
Steps to take when convincing family to attend therapy
Assess the situation
While your family may be clear that they don’t want to go to therapy, they may not be as clear about why. Engaging them in conversations about their discomfort with family therapy can help you understand their reasons for resistance.
They may be concerned they’ll be attacked and outnumbered in a therapy session because they may not understand that a family therapist will always act as a neutral third party. They may feel ashamed of the thought of going to therapy or worry other people will find out because they don’t realize therapy is both common and entirely confidential.
Your family may not want to share their issues around managing conflict with a stranger because they’re unaware of the work the family therapist will put into making the therapy space feel safe, trustworthy, and welcoming.
Knowing their reasons for avoiding family therapy can help you focus on the next few steps and show your family members that they will be heard inside and outside a family therapy session.
Communicate openly about the benefits of therapy
Therapists can go a long way toward breaking down myths around therapy, mental health, and family dynamics, but you can be the one to start that process for your family. You can talk with your family about the benefits of therapy, both generally and in the context of how you think therapy can help your own family. They may not realize all the different experiences families go through where family therapy could be helpful, like:
Family trauma
Divorce
Grief over death/loss
Communication problems
Substance abuse, mood swings, or behavioral issues
Gender and sexuality shifts
Changes in family roles
Expanding the family through marriage, birth, or blended families.
Sharing the reasons you think therapy will help, in the context of support you can all receive when working through difficult experiences, can help your family understand you better and convince your family to attend therapy.
Educate your family on managing family conflict through therapy
Sharing success stories around family therapy can be a great starting point for showing your family how therapy can help them. Look for people in your life, or even celebrities, who have benefitted from family therapy, and hold them up as examples. While your family members may be attached to their existing patterns, they likely don’t truly feel heard themselves, and deep down, they want to change. You can show them another possible way by educating your family on how family therapy can support you in managing conflict differently.
You can bring up how family therapy can help you all connect more strongly and communicate more respectfully—both in listening and speaking. Everyone wants to feel heard, so this may get them to listen. You can point out that your whole family will learn more about managing family conflict, so the exhausting patterns that your family plays out repeatedly can be swapped out for boundaries and respectful communication.
Offer alternatives to family therapy that may help
There are ways to connect to your family that are alternatives to family therapy. It may be easier for you to convince your family to try these ideas first. Suppose you can develop a stronger connection and improved communication. In that case, they may open up to family therapy to help cement and expand on those changes.
If you live in a high-conflict family, it can be worth asking your family members to put effort into kindness and collaboration before you plan any activities. Appealing to the best sides of each family member and showing you they’re capable of ensuring everyone has a good time may help. Some options you can suggest include:
Taking a class together. It could be an exercise class, art, cooking, or anything your family is interested in.
Visiting places the whole family enjoys: restaurants, parks, events, and anything that lets you have family fun.
Putting together a game night. Playing cards or board games together encourages communication and compromise.
Start a family book club. Have everyone in the family read a book and talk about it together. You can pick lighthearted books with humor or books that cover subjects everyone in the family enjoys. You could also all read books that include a special interest of one family member to try to show support and get to know each other better.
Lead by example
Attending therapy yourself can help convince your family to attend therapy, as you’re leading by example. As they see the extra support you’re getting and the positive change you can make for yourself, they may recognize that the whole family could benefit. This can be especially helpful if you find a therapist who is a cultural match for you and your family; you’ll feel better understood from the start, and your family will see that they can feel respected culturally while still making use of therapy.
Therapy will also give you space to heal and help yourself. Having a family in conflict can impact your mental health, and investing in yourself through therapy shows your mind and body that no matter what your family chooses, you can offer yourself the safety and trust you need.
Seek support for yourself
While trying to convince your family to attend therapy, look for support in your own life. Talk with your friends about what you’re experiencing, and share with your therapist. Their input and validation can help you feel seen while trying to get your family to see your point of view. You’re managing a lot in life, and having safe spaces to talk through your experiences can be critical to your well-being.
Set boundaries to protect yourself
Your mental health matters, and it can be all too common for families in conflict to worsen mental health struggles. While managing family conflict, emotions can run high as you try to convince the family to attend therapy. Consider what you will and will not put up with and communicate that clearly to your family.
If you’re struggling to find ways to set boundaries, use talks with your therapist or friends to brainstorm and plan. If your family crosses your boundaries, give them a chance to reconsider, but give yourself space from your family if they won’t change their behavior. You want to connect with your family, but if that connection pushes past your boundaries, you risk abandoning yourself to support others, which hurts you in the long run.
Practice self-care
Taking care of yourself while you’re experiencing family conflict is highly important. You can prevent emotional burnout by taking the time to pursue activities you enjoy, setting aside time to rest in spaces that feel safe for you, and making sure you are surrounded by people and experiences that feel supportive. Try to focus on taking care of your body through nourishing meals and movement that feels good for you while supporting your mind by setting boundaries, attending therapy, and seeking support from friends and loved ones. This self-care will show you to choose yourself regardless of what your family thinks or does.
As you work to convince your family to attend therapy, know that Haven Family Therapy is ready to help individually or as a whole family. I’m happy to answer your family’s questions about the family therapy process and can support you as you work on convincing your family to attend therapy. Together, we can work on managing family conflict and improving your whole family’s connection.
