How to Better Communicate with Your Teen

Your teen opens the car door, shoves their bag on the floor, slumps in the seat, and buckles up without a word.

“How was school today?”

You wait. No answer. You know your teen can hear you, but they’re letting you in less and less. You could repeat yourself, but will they respond? You don’t want to start another fight; it can feel like nearly every conversation with your teen these days is a fight.

You drive home in silence, wondering about what you could do differently.

Teenage communication problems: not just a phase

Have you hit the point where you’re more familiar with the sound of your teen shutting the door to their room than their voice?  You can see your teen is shut down, and they’re shutting you out. They've lost interest in the activities that used to light their face up with excitement, and you worry that they aren't seeking social interactions like they used to.

Being shut down and closed off from their family and friends isn’t just a phase; it’s a sign that your teen is struggling to cope with their low mood. It’s time to start trying to get your teen to open up.

Communication struggles in teen years can grow into complicated communication patterns in adulthood, so modeling healthy communication for them now can serve them well in the short- and long term.

Reaching teens after they’ve turned away

If you’re at a loss as to what to do to connect with your teen, know that you’re not alone. Teens withdraw from their parents all the time and can show worrying signs that they’re having trouble coping with low mood. 

Teens' behaviors can also shock you as parents, especially after you work to build trust with them and show them that you genuinely care.

How to encourage your teen to talk to you

If you hope to talk more to your teen and less to their closed bedroom door, stay calm and non-judgmental in your conversations with them. Trying to reach your teen can be infuriating and heartbreaking, and you may feel like exploding, but keeping your emotions and judgments in check can go a long way toward helping them open up to you.

Ask for their input around the home.

Your teens are developing autonomy and will eventually leave your home. They want to boost their life skills and have a voice in the decisions in the house. Offering them this respect and responsibility can help them see that you are interested in their opinions and value their place in your family. They can more easily participate and open up if they feel valued and heard.

Ask how your teen would like to spend quality time together.

The days of little kids' enthusiasm to spend time with you are a part of the past. You can encourage your teen by asking what they’d like to do when you spend quality time together. They may ask you to play video games together or pick up a hobby you can both enjoy. You could take art or exercise classes together, developing a bond as you learn side-by-side. When you prioritize activities that your teen actually wants to do, you develop a shared language and shared experiences.

Whatever they suggest, consider trying it and see how it can grow their willingness to talk.

Find your teen’s love language and encourage it.

There are five love languages or ways we feel most appreciated and loved in our relationships. Words of affirmation, physical touch, gifts, acts of service, and quality time are all ways to show love to your teen. Ask your teen about their preferred love language so you can offer them love and support in a way that really clicks for them. 

Therapy for teens can help.

When you’re trying to build healthier communication with your teen, reaching out to a therapist to support them can give them an extra space where their voice is heard without judgment. Sometimes, teens have an easier time opening up to people who aren’t their parents. Giving them a space that isn’t tied to the memories of arguments or silences between you helps them practice communication skills and learn that change is possible.

You, too, can show good-faith effort by supporting their therapy process or even by joining them in family therapy.

Aim for weekly positive interactions.

Instead of the typical “how was school?” questions, consider developing a routine of asking about the joy in your teen’s life. Ask about their friends, what they’d like to do on the weekend, and if they’d like to help plan an outing. 

Taking a vested interest in the details of your teen’s life shows them you care and that their voice is heard about the things that mean the most to them.

Are you offering respect and autonomy to your teen?

As family roles shift, catching up with the changes can be hard sometimes. Your teen is developing into an autonomous young adult, and while they have plenty of learning left to do, they need the chance to learn actively through both responsibility and respect. Try to find areas in your teen's life where you can let them take charge, build their confidence, and expand their skills. Showing trust in them helps them trust you.

Consequences and consistency instead of anger and blame

Focusing on communication outside of conflict can help support communication when you are in conflict with your teen. You and your teen will not always see eye to eye, and as a parent, you will have to provide consequences for your teen when they need to see the effects of their actions.

On that note, consider how you decide on consequences for your teen. Are they decided out of anger and blame? Are you inconsistent, only sometimes enforcing rules and boundaries so your teen doesn’t grasp what’s expected of them? Building trust in times of conflict happens best with consistency and clear understanding. 

Most importantly, don’t decide on consequences when angry. Take time to cool off. When enforcing consequences for your teen, make sure they’re easy to connect to the issues you want to address. Explain why you’re providing consequences. Enforce the same consequences each time a problem comes up. 

Removing anger and blame and letting the consequences speak for themselves helps your teen trust that you’re safe to be around, even in disagreement. Combining that with consistency and a clear connection of consequences to actions offers a respectful structure to your teen—one that they may find frustrating but also fair and understandable. 

Bridge the gap to work through teenage communication problems

The communication gap between you and your teen can be bridged with the careful construction of a respectful, interested connection. You can improve your communication with your teen by keeping calm, being persistent and consistent, respecting your teen as a whole person, and reaching out as often as possible so your teen knows you truly care.

If you’d like some extra support to learn helpful communication skills that work, connect with me today! I have over ten years of experience with teens and young adults facing the challenges of today’s society and social media. With extra support, you can create a better relationship with your teens, setting them up for future success.