Three Teen Myths: Debunked
Understanding Teens: thoughts, emotions, behaviors
In my opinion, teenagers are some of the most complex, beautiful, emotive beings I’ve had the opportunity to witness. Their resilience amidst difficult hormone changes, social challenges, and academic motivation is remarkable, especially in a world where the internet dictates trends, acceptance, and likeability (literally marked by post “likes”).
However, these aren’t the first adjectives I hear from stressed parents, teachers, and other clients who are part of a teen’s life. What might come to mind for you is a rebellious, emotion-driven, stressful, complicated, explosive, or careless teen. While all these experiences may at some point be true, why are these the descriptions we are drawn to?
As a parent of a teen myself, I think that we aren’t sure how to help the teens in our lives and that powerlessness and lack of understanding drives us parents to resort to flight or fight mode. The irony of that is that we don’t take a moment to remember how we were as teens ourselves!
Much of the confusion we experience with our teens lies within ourselves when we think about our past adolescence. Maybe we didn’t have parents who discussed emotion or expected high performance and respect. Or perhaps we have difficulty accepting that this generation is the most anxious generation to date. As a result, we aren’t sure how to respond to these kids who feel so profoundly.
In this article, I’ll cover three common myths and harmful stereotypes tied to these young humans that often get in the way of adults helping them on their journey to self-awareness and emotional wellness. If you are an adult reading this piece, I hope you can exercise your empathy bone to see beyond the surface angst of your teen. If you are a teen yourself reading this, I see you, and I hope you feel ‘seen’ in my words.
“Keeping it 100” …percent honest
Staying current with the language of today’s teens is another important first step. You’ve probably heard and been asked to “keep it 100” – this is code for being 100% by showing up 100%, listening 100%, or being 100% honest and vulnerable. Teens want to connect, so we will start by keeping it 100 here about myth and truth.
Myth: Teens are just lazy and moody…they don’t want to work.
Truth: Teens today face unprecedented challenges such as higher risks for suicide, coping with school and online bullying, and generally worse mental health.
As a therapist, I often find that when we equate someone to laziness, it’s usually when we are only witnessing what’s happening on the surface. Low energy, anhedonia, and anger or lashing out are often symptomatic of depression, anxiety, or another mental health struggle.
While each generation has had its share of struggles and world stress to recover from (e.g., war, economic crashes, political tension), teens today hold the pressure of the 21st century and sit front and center to witness it all thanks to social media. This exposure to world chaos likely introduces them to stress earlier and more frequently, as evidenced by a rise in teen activism in today’s politics on gun control and climate change issues. However, teens today are also resourceful, given their identity as digital natives, and are more focused on finding efficient, accessible ways to create careers, relationships, and other connections.
Myth: Teens are too young to understand the complexities of life.
Truth: Teen’s lives are complex: interpersonally and academically demanding.
Listen, I know it takes until age 25 for our prefrontal cortex to fully develop (aka the area that governs executive functioning and decision-making). However, meeting developmental milestones and years lived does not discount the experiences in adolescence. Whether it’s coping with a parents’ divorce, overcoming the school bully, or being aware of our bodies for the first time, teens experience so much in this period where everything feels confusing. Their expressiveness is similar to babies crying when they don’t know what’s going on around them – and isn’t that the same as when we explode at our partner because we feel frustrated? Trust your teens that while they may still be working on their emotional regulation, they hold all necessary to succeed once they learn to harness their internal wisdom for good.
Myth: Teens are entitled and self-centered.
Truth: A teen's focus is trying to figure out who they are, building self-awareness and self-worth.
A crucial part of development in adolescence is figuring out who we are, which is usually done in the company of others (read last month’s blog on men and relationships for an adult version of this conversation). What reads as entitlement and self-centeredness could alternatively be social anxiety, worry about perceptions of others, and endless checking on themselves.
Teens produce more oxytocin receptors during this time, the hormone responsible for good feelings that make us want to bond socially. This impacts teens' emotional processes and leaves them focused on being present for others. However, the instincts are there, and they have yet to emerge with the knowledge that helps them act out social responsibility, compassion, and attentiveness. During this time, they also test their environments' rules and boundaries to get their needs met.
Beginning conversations with your teen about what they need and how to get those needs met is a starting point for teen therapy (and family therapy). Correcting these harmful myths and acknowledging the love present in the relationship between you and your teen is a great place to begin! When parents realize that teens are not acting out to be mean but just trying to cope with their growing pains, it is easier to handle teens with less anger and create more harmony in the relationship.
To learn more about therapy for teens in Coral Springs or how family therapy sessions might help you and your teen connect, visit us for more information on services at www.havenfamilytherapy.com
