How to Manage the Narcissists in the Family

Oh boy. It’s starting.

You know the drill; it’s been like this every holiday season since you can remember, but every time your narcissistic family member starts acting up around the holidays, it still makes you tense up. That old familiar feeling is returning, the feeling like you have to manage the narcissist in your family.

You can tell by their tone of voice that they’re ready to start up with the same old guilt and demands. Whenever the holiday season rolls around, and they have to attend a gathering where they’re not the center of attention, they become even more demanding and care even less about others’ feelings.

There are better ways of coping with holiday anxiety

Are you tired of the holiday tradition of thinking up unique ways to manage your narcissistic family members so they are appeased enough to continue playing nice? This unpleasantness has been the background noise of every holiday season you can remember.

You may have found different ways of coping with holiday anxiety, like alcohol, food,  perfectionism, workaholism, distraction, but none of these have been enough to eliminate the anxiety. For you—and likely for plenty of your friends with similarly difficult family members—holidays have become synonymous with heartburn. 

It doesn’t have to be this way! Instead of managing the volatile and difficult behavior of a narcissistic family member, you can spend your time focusing on  managing yourself. You can celebrate the holiday season on your own terms, releasing yourself from the responsibility of managing someone else’s feelings and embracing a season that feels comforting and warm instead of alienating and stressful.

Narcissism means people look outside of themselves for emotional management and sense of self

The narcissist in your family probably has an overinflated sense of importance, a sense of deserving things (even if they haven’t earned them), and being superior. They need to be admired and feel entitled to people's time and energy. They manipulate others, they need to always compete, and often disregard the feelings of others. 

Large family gatherings can shake a narcissist’s sense of self-importance, gift-giving can trigger sensitivities around worthiness and appreciation, and high expectations around a “happy family” can lead to harsh criticism if the narcissist thinks their spouse or children aren’t showing everyone what a perfect family they have.

Children of narcissists know how it goes during the holidays

Narcissists demand that others around them manage their emotions for them. If they feel doubt about their importance or feel they’re being slighted, they turn to those around them to soothe that fear. Unfortunately, that duty often falls to their children. This is unfair for both young  and adult children; who do not exist to make those parents feel better about themselves. 

You aren’t the problem, the narcissist is. So now what?

The narcissist will perceive you how they want to, and they spend a lot of their time not wanting to see you as you are, but how it's most convenient for them. Once you’ve accepted that there’s no filling the bottomless pit of emotional need for a narcissist, and it’s not your job to manage the emotions of another adult, you’re free to start choosing differently. 

Choose yourself this holiday season

What to do once you’ve determined your healthy boundaries ? How do you make the changes that will free you from managing your problem parent’s feelings and behavior?

Start by choosing yourself. Spend holiday gatherings asking yourself, “Am I enjoying this?” instead of “Am I being enough?” Start saying “no” to experiences that feel terrible, establish boundaries, and remove yourself from situations where those boundaries aren’t respected. You can pursue your own traditions, embrace your personality, and celebrate in ways that speak to you.

Give yourself a break from toxic family gatherings

You can give yourself permission to not see your narcissistic family members during the holidays. It might sound impossible, as you’ve had every holiday season before this one derailed by their behavior, but it can be done. It’s important to recognize that as an adult, you get to decide how you celebrate holidays. You can create your own traditions and embrace smaller gatherings with family and friends that are pleasant to be around.

Consider limiting your time around a narcissistic family member. When you notice toxic cycles and tantrums , take a step back and don’t participate. If you start receiving accusations and harassment, don’t engage. Take a breath, take a walk, or even take off and go elsewhere.

Don’t bother arguing or pleading

Narcissists do not respond to emotional appeals or logical arguments. There is no point in offering them; instead, make basic statements about what actions you will take and nothing else. If the narcissist in your family questions you or tries to push you to spend time with them, simple statements are going to be your best friend.

“I do not want to do that, I will be doing [holiday activity] on my own this year” or “No thank you, I am not available” are both workable options. If the narcissist tries to argue, simply repeat yourself or remove yourself from the situation; arguing will only encourage emotional manipulation from the narcissist. You don’t have to convince them you’re worth caring about; the only person you have to convince is yourself.

 In the immortal words of Oprah Winfrey, “No” is a complete sentence.

Set basic boundaries for all family members to keep yourself safe from the narcissist

That said, maintaining healthy boundaries around family time can get especially difficult during the holidays. Friends and family may not be as understanding as they should be when you choose to spend time away from the narcissist in your family. The narcissist may even manipulate people around them to contact you, guilting you about having firm boundaries.

The best choice when this happens is to state the basics for the family trying to guilt you and hold them to the same boundaries you’ve established for the narcissist. If you state plain facts without offering explanations, it becomes harder for them to argue. “I am choosing to spend this holiday without [family member],” “I do not want to talk about [narcissistic family member],” or “I want to have a smaller holiday, only including [a specific set of people] this year” are all options you could use if you’re challenged on your choices.

A calmer holiday can feel disorienting

It can also be difficult to have a calmer holiday when you’re used to chaos. It can feel wrong or incomplete, and you may find that you have a bunch of conflicting feelings coming up. It can feel discouraging when you’re trying to have a good time, and you feel sad, angry, frightened, or all of these  at once. You may struggle to feel confident asserting yourself and doing things your way.

You’ll likely have to go through a grieving process as you start to remodel your holiday season so you aren’t forced to manage the behavior of a narcissistic family member. Try to be gentle with yourself, allowing yourself to feel any and all feelings as they come up. Acknowledge those feelings, hug yourself, and take the opportunity to start centering yourself in your holiday experiences.

Found family can help with coping with holiday anxiety

So, you’ve set solid boundaries and are choosing not to engage with your narcissistic family member. Are you stuck with no holiday celebrations this year?

No! A great option for someone looking to release the hold a narcissist has on their time and energy is to spend holiday time with people who truly get you, who make you feel good, and who support you. Found family, or family of choice, are the people you share your life with who are as close as family, even if you’re not related. When people have to distance themselves from blood relatives, leaning on found family during these times,  can make life events, including holiday seasons, into a special time when they feel like they really belong and are loved. 

Think about what kind of traditions you and your found family can start together. You can observe religious and secular holidays together, sharing traditions and special observances as a group. You can also have a “Friendsgiving”, where you enjoy a Thanksgiving meal with friends instead of blood relatives. Instead of arguments, you can all enjoy a meal and togetherness that is calmer and happier. 

Holiday seasons with a found family can be festive and peaceful at the same time and can be a joyous replacement for tense family gatherings.

Therapy for toxic family in Florida can offer extra support this holiday season

When disengaging from a narcissistic family member, especially when the holiday season is adding extra pressure and bringing up memories, support from a therapist can be invaluable. Working with a therapist can help you see how and why your narcissistic family’s toxic patterns happen and how they don’t reflect anything about your value or worth.

As you separate from toxic patterns, standing back to observe instead of engaging with them, it can feel disorienting; you may struggle to know where to go next and feel fear as you encounter more peace in your life. You may not know how to fully separate yourself from those toxic patterns and that toxic family member. This is common! Having a therapist who is on your side can help you see where you want to go and how you want to assert yourself. You can practice new interactions and new choices in a safe space and learn how healthy interactions should work.

You deserve a holiday season that is peaceful and enjoyable. Connect with us at Haven Family Therapy today to get started with therapy that will help you find a way to a holiday season that centers on togetherness and happiness, not narcissistic ego and appeasement.