Communicating With your Teen
When teen angst and parenting collide, often it’s the perfect storm for family conflict. Add in a sprinkle of boredom and increased time together, the summer months can be the most challenging of them all. Sure, you may not have pressure from school or extracurriculars hanging over your head, but the lack of structure can create pressure all its own. In family therapy, learning to navigate difficult conversations with teens is what can make this upcoming school year the best one yet. It’s not too early to develop habits and healthy communication that will serve you all year long.
Family Feuds
In parenting teenagers, this truth feels universal: Being a teenager is difficult and so is being their parent. Your teen’s task: surviving adolescence. Your task: surviving adolescents. With the constant push and pull of guiding and giving independence, family conflict can be a prominent presence in your home. When this conflict occurs often and interferes with healthy communication, seeking family therapy can be a productive way to learn crucial communication skills and reduce family conflict.
Healthy communication styles can help a family navigate difficult conversations with teenagers in a more effective and less tense way. Studies show that family conflict in adolescence can be a precursor to difficulty forming interpersonal relationships in adulthood as well as having poor communication skills. Therefore, learning healthy communication skills can not only have a positive influence on current family functioning but also have lasting effects into adulthood.
Based on the social learning theory, we can assume that adolescents do model social interaction based on their parent’s communication, emotional regulation, and conflict management/resolution. These healthy communication tips will help you model effective communication with your teenagers while helping you navigate and reduce the frequency and severity of the family conflict.
Parents vs. Kids
Before you begin to address and resolve conflict, you have to understand some key topics that cause conflict amongst teenagers and their parents/guardians. Being on the verge of adulthood but still in a critical time of maturing and developing is a strain on the individual and their interpersonal relationships. By understanding where conflict may come from, parents can be better prepared to handle it and plan on utilizing effective communication strategies. Some examples of common points of deliberation between parents and their angsty teens include:
General disagreements
Independence
Rules
Comparisons to peers
Authority
Delinquency
Academic performance
There is a fine line of being your teenager’s parent, friend, confidant, shoulder to cry on and caregiver. Effective communication strategies can help you maintain a positive relationship with your teen while still respecting their journey of independence and individualism and most importantly: keep them safe and teach them lifelong communication and conflict resolution skills.
Teen Talks: Family/Adolescent Conflict & Communication
Though many experts can identify and elaborate on many different parenting styles, communication styles and conflict resolution styles, there are certain critical factors that remain universal. Developed by psychologist John Gottman, the Parent-Adolescent Communication Toolkit outlines steps to decrease conflict and barriers to conversation and increase respect, empathy and affection. This toolkit is based on evidence-based practice and theory that supports conflict resolution and repair strategies.
Below are some tips for respectful communication that can be beneficial in difficult conversations or conflicts with loved ones.
Active Listening
Active listening is crucial for showing empathy and respect to others. By making eye contact, asking questions and clarification and validating your teen's feelings, you are utilizing effective communication strategies
Respect
Though this may seem obvious and easy to some, it is important to make an overwhelming effort to show respect. How you handle conflict and communication sets an example for your child so it is important to show you are listening, hearing and valuing your teen’s opinion and perspective.
Shared Meaning
Shared meaning relates to finding similarities in morals and experiences. Deepening mutual feelings creates strength and stability in relationships. Even in a tough conversation with an adolescent, there is room to find a moment to connect in a positive way.
Goals & Room to Grow
It is important to acknowledge your teen’s dreams, even if you do not fully understand or support them. This creates a valuable lesson in self-determination for your child. You can still recognize their dreams and have discussions about goal setting, back up plans, supports they need, etc. to make them feel heard and valued while being helpful and included in this process. This step also allows for implementation of check ins with your teen about their goals, problems they face, or assistance they require.
Accepting
A big part of parenting is being open to persuasion, even if you know you cannot/will not give in. This is an important lesson is patience and communication for both parent and adolescent. Allowing your child the space to speak vulnerably in a difficult conversation allows your child to explore their independence and influence and practice speaking about difficult topics with respect and patience.
Compromise
A big part of parenting is being open to persuasion, even if you know you cannot/will not give in. This is an important lesson is patience and communication for both parent and adolescent. Allowing your child the space to speak vulnerably in a difficult conversation allows your child to explore their independence and influence and practice speaking about difficult topics with respect and patience.
Sometimes it is beneficial to have involvement of an unbiased third party to help repair relationships and practice conflict resolution and effective communication. Counseling for teens, adults or families could help build a solid foundation to create and maintain strong interpersonal relationships. My work with teens and their parents at Haven Family Therapy in person and online in Florida can help you and your loved ones live a more fulfilled life.
