How to Motivate Your Teen

Positive communication skills to help your teen develop strong self-motivation

I’m sure you’ve heard it before. When you’re talking to your teen, maybe in the kitchen before dinner, in the car on the way to school, or even via the texts they send you while they’re holed up in their room. Most teen parents run up against it eventually; the ever-present, and utterly demotivated, teenage “whatever”. Whether you’re offering them ideas about how they can spend their summers, trying to interest them in time with the family, or just hoping to get to know what’s going on inside their heads, trying to get around that great big “whatever” can feel impossible sometimes.

When your teen was young, it didn’t take as much effort to help them create a little magic in the world, but they’re too old now to be told to just “go play!”. It’s normal for adolescents to struggle with motivation, but you’ll have to take a different approach from when they were little kids. You may be wondering, how do you combat the teenage “whatever”? How can you motivate your teen?

Motivating your teen

There are no magic switches to flip to motivate your teen, but the process isn’t impossible, either. Like most things, intentional communication, active listening, and getting creative are your best options to help your teen develop a motivational drive to live a responsible, fulfilling life.

Start with the life basics

When your teen is stepping into their ability to handle larger responsibilities, they may dream big and want to do it all, but they may easily lose motivation on their big dreams, because they haven’t yet learned how to approach major life goals. You can start by empowering your teen to understand how to approach simple life tasks, breaking them down into steps, working consistently, and pivoting when challenges show up. These skills learned now will show them how to handle basic adult life tasks in the future.

To motivate your teen, use examples that speak to them. That YouTube sensation? Only got that way from consistent content creation, editing, uploading, and interaction with their audience. That professional athlete? practices consistently and maintains good nutrition, sleep, and exercise so that they can do their best each day.

Point out that if your teen can develop consistency in things like managing their own laundry, cooking for the family, or keeping a consistent eating and sleeping schedule, they can grow into managing bigger projects that ignite their passion. There’s also the added bonus of setting them up for a healthier, more rested life now and in the future, which can reduce anxiety and increase their willingness to try new things.

Is teen anxiety masquerading as boredom or procrastination?

Anxiety is a huge demotivator, for teens and adults alike, and anxiety can look like laziness or disinterest when it’s anything but. Their “whatever” might be an emotional shield built out of anxiety, perfectionism, and black-and-white thinking, holding your teen back from trying new things. It can prevent your teen from sleeping enough and can make it harder for them to focus. Between fear of failure and the stress of anxiety, tackling tasks becomes a lot harder.

Reducing your teen’s anxiety will be very personal to them. You may even want to enlist the help of a therapist that offers teen therapy in Coral Springs, to help your teen decide how to reduce their anxiety and grow their motivation. You can support them by making changes at home, and in your relationship with your teen, to help them de-stress and rediscover their motivation.

Empower your teen with choices

When your teen has more agency in their own life, they’ll gain confidence and start to better understand what they want in life. Encourage your teen to be more invested in life by involving them in more household decisions, and hearing them out when they make requests and suggestions. When they feel like they have more control in life, and they see that they’re being heard and taken seriously, it can help them confidently jump in when other life opportunities come along.

Praise the effort, not the result

When trying to motivate your teen, help them get into a growth mindset by praising their effort, not the results. Noticing and encouraging your teen’s efforts helps them feel more comfortable continuing to try, even when they fail. It teaches them they’re able to grow as long as they continue to put in effort. It encourages resilience and pushes them to embrace learning and change. Beyond that, focusing on the process also allows you to support your teen without adding pressure, which can help build trust between you and help your teen trust themselves as well.

Help them learn when they fail

Failure can knock a teen’s confidence (it can knock anyone’s confidence), and a lack of confidence can lead to a lack of motivation. Alongside a growth mindset, examining failure without judging your teen can help them see where they can make changes. If you teach your teen to look at their failures as opportunities, they’ll rebuild their confidence even when things don’t work out the way they expected. 

One of the best ways you can do this is to lead by example. When you make a mistake or are stuck in a process and can’t figure out how to move forward, talk to your teen about what you do.

Connect your teen to their "why"

One of the best ways to counteract the teen “whatever” is by helping your teen find their “why”. When you notice your teen really engaging with something, be it a game, a project, or a friendship, ask them what motivates them to put their energy into what they’re doing. Their answer may surprise you! They may find the activity restful, or it snags their interest because it’s new and interesting. It may be something they’d like to do for a living or helps them feel connected to their friends. Help your teen uncover their “why”, the thing that helps them stay motivated.

Whatever their answer, remember it, and brainstorm with them about how they can apply that motivation to other activities. Do they need things to feel fresh? Do they need more downtime? Use their existing motivation—their “why”—to grow their motivation elsewhere.

Agree to disagree

Parental disapproval can de-motivate teens. It can be helpful for unsafe activities, but if you’re too rigid about safe actions and opinions your teen can shut down, avoiding starting or asking about anything for fear of disapproval. When you cut them some slack (safely) and let them have some opinions or participate in activities that they like, your teen can grow into someone who is willing to explore and take on new challenges. 

There are a few added bonuses to respectfully disagreeing with your teen; it teaches them that communication is a much more constructive replacement for conflict, it models the behavior you want to see in them, and it also requires them to explain their point of view. All of these strong communication skills help you connect with your teen, and help them grow.

Offer support, but don't do it all for them

As an adult, you’re used to going through all the steps of complex life activities, but for teens, it can take time to learn how to do things like managing time, staying organized, or meeting deadlines. When you help your teen by working with them on planning, setting reminders for them in their calendar, getting them supplies, or helping them with the tougher parts of a project, you offer them a chance to succeed, which can boost their self-esteem and increase their future motivation.

That said, it’s really important to remember to not take on the whole project yourself! We all want to see our kids succeed, but when you help them too much, they can’t learn and explore. This can slam the door on their motivation; why should they try, when it will get done anyway, and the result isn’t even their work? When they’re engaged and invested in an activity, instead of having it taken off their plate completely, your teen is less likely to lean on “whatever”, and instead work toward their “why”.

Motivating your teen is not something you have to do alone

Beyond the options to overcome your teen’s “whatever”, you’re not the only one in your teen’s life who can help motivate them! Consider who your teen already connects with. Do they have another family member they especially enjoy, or a friend, perhaps a teacher or coach? If you can facilitate them spending time together, or include them when you’re trying to motivate your teen, you’ll go even further in encouraging your teen.

There is also the option of utilizing a therapist at a practice like Haven Family Therapy. A therapy room is a space where your teen can feel safe to vent their feelings, explore their interests, and develop strategies that increase their motivation. If you  want the support of a therapist who has extensive experience helping teens find their way in adolescence, meeting your teen where they are, and offering personalized support, connect with me today.