Communicating Through Conflict: Tips from a Family Therapist

You’re ranting to your friend again. You and your teen, you and your spouse, or you and your mother, have had another argument. You aren’t even sure how these arguments start; you just know that suddenly, it’s the same old sharp words, angry tone, and hurt feelings for everyone involved. You never feel heard, and you know the other person doesn’t either, but are they even listening? You’re tired of this, but you’re not sure what to do about it. 

Your friend is sympathetic, but neither of you can think of what to do. Does this sound familiar? Do you find yourself in a relationship with family, friends, a significant other, or coworkers where you just can’t see eye to eye? Repetitive arguments, tense silences, and lack of repair can all conspire to pull you and your loved ones into a vicious cycle of conflict and tension.

Conflict resolution in relationships relies entirely on effective, healthy, and respectful communication from everyone involved. It’s important to ask yourself: have you (and your loved ones) learned enough healthy communication skills to navigate conflict?

Why does communication break down during conflict?

Family conflict feels personal

During a conflict, especially with someone you know well, the experience can feel very personal. We get defensive when we feel we are being personally attacked, and when we’re feeling defensive, it’s harder to hear reasonable complaints. This defensiveness can become a habit and can spread to both sides of the conflict, creating massive roadblocks to conflict resolution in relationships. Conflict in a relationship is also often cumulative. Big blowout arguments are often built on top of dozens of small disagreements and conflicts that didn’t get resolved the first time around, so each conflict has a foundation of past hurt feelings that can feel very personal.

Stress can stop you from resolving family disagreements calmly

Conflict also grows, and the ability to communicate often shrinks during times of stress. When external pressures are pushing on us, we may have less emotional bandwidth to try to understand where someone else is coming from. Misinterpretation and misunderstanding can escalate the emotional impact of a conflict on both sides, again making a conflict feel personal, even when the underlying problem seems like it would be simple to fix.

Emotional flooding escalates conflict quickly

It also becomes difficult to respond with respect and calm when one or both people in the conflict are emotionally overwhelmed. Whether from internal pressures like mental health struggles or external pressures like life stress, emotional flooding fuels disagreements by preventing calm communication.

Highly emotional responses often encourage others to respond with the same intensity, growing the argument even when the people involved don’t intend for it to become a big thing. Listening can go out the window, and you may each be driven into a fight, flight, freeze response, stressing your nervous system and pushing you to react and expect the worst. 

Communication tips from a family therapist

Many people think communication is just talking, but active listening, thoughtful word choices, and intentionally creating space, (so you can collect yourself), are all crucial communication tools. They all have their place in family conflict resolution, and learning these skills can set you and your loved ones up for a happier, healthier relationship long term.

Here are some practical tips you can put to use today. Share these with your family and loved ones so you can all start practicing healthier ways to engage with each other, especially in times of conflict.

Tip #1: Practice emotional regulation

When you and a loved one sense a conflict is brewing, take a moment apart and regulate your emotions, then reconnect to continue hashing out the conflict. Unaddressed emotions pushing you into fight/flight/freeze territory will lead to a quick communication breakdown. Taking time, separately, to emotionally de-escalate, helps you both stay out of “reaction” territory, so you can both reconnect and really listen. 

Wondering how to regulate your emotions? Here are some suggestions:

• Do some deep or slow breathing exercises

• Write out your feelings

• Go for a short walk

• Count slowly backwards from 100

• Get a drink of ice water and drink it slowly

• Sit and imagine yourself in a calm, pleasant place

Tip #2: Listen to understand

Give each person in the conflict time to speak their mind. When someone else is speaking, listen, keep your attention on them, and try not to immediately think of responses. Don’t interrupt or explain; try to understand where they’re coming from without adding your perspective just yet. If you need more context, ask them, “Can you tell me more about what you just said?” When they’re done speaking, try to sum up what you’ve heard (factually, try not to add your own opinions), and ask them if they think you’ve understood their perspective. 

It can be stressful to listen when you’re not sure you’ll be heard, so make sure to share this active listening process with the other person so you know you’ll also be able to speak your mind freely and be heard fully before anyone else adds their opinion to your perspective.

It’s important to remember you don’t have to put up with yelling or insults. See tip #5 if your conflict is escalating to harmful levels.

Tip #3: Use "I" statements instead of blame

When you focus on your own experiences and emotions by using “I” statements in conflict, you both stick to things you know are accurate, and you avoid blaming the other person in the conflict. When people don’t feel like they’re being accused, they have an easier time hearing you out. It also becomes harder to invalidate you; your experiences are your own, and your feelings matter.

Here are some quick “I” statement replacements to use during conflicts:

• Instead of “you don’t listen,” say, “I don’t feel heard when…”

• Instead of “You always,” say, “I have noticed…”

• Instead of “You did this to hurt me,” say, “I feel hurt when you…”

• Instead of saying, “I hate it when you…” say, “I feel ____ when you…”

• Instead of saying, “It’s disrespectful of you to be late,” say, “I feel disrespected when you are late.”

Tip #4: Stick to the issue at hand

Changing the subject to past hurts or future worries is tempting in conflict, but it’s important to sort out one issue at a time. Bringing up lists of other problems is overwhelming and can feel like an attack.

It’s also important to stay focused on the immediate problem so you avoid black-and-white statements like “you always” or “I never”; these statements can feel very personal and are often not accurate, so you run the risk of misunderstanding or feeling misunderstood.

When you find your discussion has strayed from the original issue, pause and acknowledge you’re getting off-topic. Redirect the conversation and stay focused on finding solutions.

Tip #5: Take breaks when conflict gets intense so you can pause and reflect

Have you heard the phrase “don’t go to bed angry?” It’s meant to encourage you to settle conflict before bedtime, but I prefer to look at it another way. I think it’s important to solve conflicts when you can, but when conflicts become so intense that they can no longer be productive, it’s critical to stop, take a break, and re-regulate.

As a family therapist, I believe it is also important not to go to bed upset from intense conflict either. You can use the suggestions in Tip #1 to regulate your emotions, and you can restart your conversation when you’re both calmer. This doesn’t have to happen the same day, though it’s important to set a time you’ll continue the conversation, and it’s best to have it be as soon as you both feel capable of communicating with kindness and understanding.

Tip #6: Work with a family or individual therapist

When conflicts feel unresolvable, it’s a sign of respect to yourself and to your family to put effort into finding someone who can offer you real, practical help. Family therapists can bring you and your loved ones together to learn communication skills and deeper triggers,  in a space that feels safe and productive. A family therapist will make sure everyone has a chance to say what they need to and will also help you all learn to both listen, get new viewpoints, and express yourselves with respect and clarity.

Your family therapist can act as a referee, helping you notice when communication starts to fail in conflict. Instead of getting sucked into old, unhelpful communication patterns, your family therapist will help you all practice new, healthier communication skills in real time during sessions. 

Sometimes, though, you aren’t able to get others to attend therapy with you. That doesn’t mean you can’t benefit from therapy yourself. With a therapist, you can discuss the conflicts you’re struggling with in relationships. Your therapist can guide you in developing better self-understanding, and you can learn and practice healthier communication skills, including setting boundaries, active listening, and asserting yourself. 

Conflict resolution in relationships: build bridges, not walls

It’s not shameful to have conflict with people in your life. In fact, it’s totally normal and will happen in any relationship. But if you’re tired of conflict that feels uncomfortable and unproductive, it’s important to know you have options that allow you to approach conflict with the intention of understanding and repairing.

If you’re looking for extra support as you build communication skills to better navigate family conflict, I’m here for you. I’ve helped countless people rebuild relationships with their loved ones by guiding them through ways to use healthy, direct communication to hear and be heard. You and your loved ones have the ability to learn to work together, even in conflict, so resolving family disagreements can be productive and continue to grow and satisfy everyone involved.